She opened up to me easily and I did the same. We talked constantly and she always gave me the things I needed in a friendship love, compassion, care, time, affection, etc. About a year ago, I moved to her town. She neglected me and my needs and anytime I brought up the issue, she brushed it off and blamed it on her having a tough time adjusting from being alone to being with someone day in and out.
I trusted her. But for a year, we had problems that only got worse and worse. She hid things that she never hid before. Lied to me about important things in her life. And just kept me in the dark for months on in. Eventually, I got tired and so did she. We had a blow out and her anger was the only thing allowing her to express her true inner most feelings towards the situation.
She told me that when I moved there, I got too close and her body reacted. But she later said that online, it is easy being there for someone emotionally. What should I do? I want to stay friends and be there for her but she is basically asking me to be casual friends with her like have fun but without an emotional attachment.
And I feel it may be just too hard to change from that and I feel that she may be being kind of selfish asking me to cater to her fear and enable her. I love her so much. She is like family to me and I want to see her succeed. I know this is way late for you to see this reply but I have an easier time handling casual or friends with benefits type of relationship. As soon as the other person wants a serious relationship and says love, I start getting distant and short mean with them.
If I could only find someone that wants that weekend relationship and keep it casual, I would be good with that and keep the intimacy out of it and the other person constantly wanting to see me. Maybe why I hook up with losers in a relationship so it is easier on me to get distant from them. When I found this article, I felt that I could relate, and suddenly everything became a little clearer.
But discovering the reason for why I push people away, didn. Very interesting read, but I do disagree with forcing yourself to be intimately close to someone when you are simply not ready to share yourself with another. How can a person appreciate my other qualities when he is only focused on my looks alone?! I believe that some people were made to be in a relationship and others to be single. How do you know? It is very sad to read about people who loss themselves in relationships and couples that are together merely because of routine.
Both are very unhealthy for the individual as unhealthy as that person thinking they have a problem because they are unable to hold a relationship that has the potential to form a family. Everything in life is a learning process. It is healthy to be single and feel content about it. It comes with time patient and professional help. If deep down you feel content then let it be, you are not hurting anyone except for those waiting for you to have a partner more than you do for yourself.
I had a great childhood my single mom taking care of her children. I had a strong family presence in my life. My mom finally dated someone after 9 years being single after my dad. The man had many faults. I still had a good childhood. Then I turned 13 my life went wrong. My mom started doing drugs. My strong family blanket gone! I thought this is love right? It wasnt. I even stood up for the hurt only to be judge for doing that. There I saw my mom with her boyfriend and there constant physical mental abuse.
I ran from it by using games. They stolen from me lied to me and mentally confused me to the point of no return. I have never loved another person other than my twin. As I get older and older I pull away faster from people. My mom now finally clean for 6 months.
She told me to play the field. When will I be able to let go. I understand.. I have no basis to dispute that it is real; simply overused. Finally, it feels like professionals who author blogs use FOI as a panacea to explain all relationship problems. Reality is that we must constantly challenge ourselves and ask if we are being honest about our feelings.
Only after holding ourselves accountable can we question the myriad issues that arise in our relationships, of which FOI may or may not be a culprit. In a comment section full of people relating to the article and sharing their emotional experiences, your comment stands out as one lacking any emotional character whatsoever.
Your approach to this topic reflects that you may have gone through some form of rigorous academic training. The deeper you go into your own mind, the more you will realise this. In my opinion the article is correct in referring to it as a root cause of so many problems.
I hope you will go further into your emotional structure, and get more in touch with who you are at your core. I wish you best of luck my friend, may all be well with you. Well said Dominic. I often ponder this alternate viewpoint against the grain of modern pop psychology. Some people do better uncoupled.
This is a good article and seems very much to describe me. I can only imagine being the guy in that situation. The myriad of mixed emotions coming out as mixed messages as fear, interest, anger at myself, speculation, nausea and despair war inside of me.
Most of the time I know myself to be pretty, intelligent, good, and industrious. But in those moments when I am attracted to someone I realize how ugly, fat, lazy, immoral and stupid I really am and wallow in my inferiority. I am egocentric in my failures and foibles.
I cannot overpower the visceral emotion of unworthiness with the logical knowledge of my good worth at the risk of sounding egotistical I am a good catch- average to pretty looks, well educated with a good job and generally sweet and loyal disposition. So how do I get over this? No one will ever get close to me. Do I want them to? Should I want them to get close? This is exceptionally well written.
It has provided great clarity for me. I have yet to read a more accurate comment that mirrors the trials and tribulations in my own life. My problem is I am fully aware of what my problem is and I also know that there are steps in order to combat these pessimistic feelings however where my roadblock lies is not knowing how far I will need to go or how long it will take to get over these insecure mind games I set myself up for.
Or will I be blissfully-miserably single forever…. Look up Pia Mellody on YouTube. Or see my videos on anxiety there search for my name , where I summarize the results of many months spent looking for the best explanations and remedies that people have come up with for anxiety, which fear of intimacy is a variant of.
Hopefully this will explain why you get scared, and based on that, what you can do to grow stronger emotionally. Once we lift the instinctive blocks to loving ourself, that for many of us were required in order to survive danger during our childhood, and once we love ourself again, then we no longer perceive so much danger in getting rejected, and fear becomes manageable. I litterelly think i just grew up a little. Here I am a tough Veteran who got back from deployment to meet a girl and start getting really close, i knew i had avoidant issues in the past but since i self medicated with prostitution that shouldnt be a problem anymore?
I know you like me? Im sitting there like wtf dude? Theres no wall to climb, shes right there AND your upsetting her by not being intimate!! Im still trying to figure out what just happened. So the next day i send her a text about not wanting to see her anymore. Why did i hurt her? My mother left when i was 4. And she passed 2weeks before deployment. Im 27 now. And between all that time i was never nurtured by a female. Im going to look into this alot more becuase i think im just scared to get hurt again.
My girlfriend of four years has a fear of intimacy. She only feels comfortsble holding haneds. For example she says she is not ready to go on a day out to Blackpool, she is not ready for touching or sex. But how can we seek help if one partner is in denial? Any idvice? I know you love each other, but it is important to explore within yourself what the secondary gain may be to have stayed all this time.
Consider seeing a Gestalt therapist. It has helped me. Dear David! I hope your issue is resolved till that time. I read your story and was really touched, but please do not listen to advices to separate from your beloved one as if these relations are not worth of trying to develop them! I hope you will have strength to go on. You are very faithful and committed to your girlfriend, and this is a rare case nowadays.
I myself, already married, have imtimate problems, because I do not find sex an enyoing thing, and this is such a burden for me and my husband, but although he is upset he never even thinks about separation. Looking for solutions of my own problems I read a lot of literature on relations. I do not have any concrete idea for you now, but from what I read I can see that the psychologists are so advanced now that for sure someone will help you.
Maybe you should find a book about fear of intimacy and ask your girlfriend to read it when and where it is comfortable for her, so that you do not annoy her by trying totalk about this in person.
Give her time and maybe when she opens it once she will recognise herself on the pages… At least when I did not know what is going on with me I found it helpful to read just anything about problems in relations and I was able to see myself sometimes as in a mirror, and developed a vocabulary of how to talk about this with my husband.
Also, get to know about her religious background. Maybe she is afraid that you will not reserve your sexual life till marriage, and that you will go too far. Will be very happy for you if you suddenly answer me: thanks, but it is not any more a problem, my girlfriend opened up to me. Wow, this explains a lot. I want to love and be loved in return, but sometimes, I feel weird. This article is trying to show people the rewards of opening up and experiencing something greater.
If some people were meant to be alone, then why did they go looking for a relationship? I often wonder what would help my boyfriend become more open to sharing himself with me. I would just hope that this post helps someone who feels they cannot be open and helps them change things around and let love in. I also hope this post reaches people who are dating a person with intimacy issues. I love this article and want to use it on my humanities paper.
Who wrote this article and when? Any additional information would be very helpful! Hi, I am 27 years male. Can what am having be considered as fear of intimacy. I had had 2 episode of depressions.. Secretly unknowingly I developed feelings inside me,then I became possessive,over possessive.. She likes you,likes your outstanding sense of humour,your caring but she is not in love with you I am sure …now as I am possessive for her,when she becomes more friendly with anyone else I feel jealous or something which creates anxiety,I start trying getting over this feeling of love towards her,basically I try to escape..
Can you please help? Please find help with a therapist or counselor. Someone in that profession can help you work through your issues and take steps to make positive changes, to better your understanding of yourself, to make better choices in your life.
I wish you well. I can very much relate to this article, and to be honest it took me quite some time to understand what the problem was and still is. Half a year, to be precise. For this time I nearly went insane from all the analysis and cross-reference and all the trying to understand what is wrong while battling my own fears with my other hand to clear out the way from the false fear-debris.
It was difficult but I got rid of all of my fears about relationships, and at the moment I am still learning to be calm and emotionally self-restraint, to give the space for my partner to gradually open up. I believe there is no other choice but to take the gamble and wait around for long enough to see the project come to a completion, as in, seeing your partner getting rid of her or his fears or leave.
It takes a very secure and very strong character to do that. For me, at the time I was unable to ignore my dearest and was overly-attached, and that was the main thing that kept me from progressing. Because the first thing that gave me progress is giving her space. I battled for the last half a year my overly-attached-ness and fear of abandonment, and I can say by now that I am free of those fears.
We are also LDR and for the last half a year communicate via skype, for she left for Poland to work there. There has been some progress, but today for example I had an emotional breakout when I wanted an immidiate and more effective solution and brainstormed everything I could do, but in the end of it, I simply figured out that every other solution would be pushing her.
I think I simply need the strength to carry my love through this and be strong enough to win this biggest challenge of my life so far. This article is great, but as people with fear of intimacy said, they have to go through this on their own, and pressure from their loved ones will only make them feel depressed. And to all of you who decided to stick around with the person who has Intimacy problems, I wish you the best luck and I must tell you that you are the luckiest people in the world.
This challenge, if you are strong and bold enough to stand up to it, can build up the parts of your character that under other circumstances would never be developed. Can I suggest that if you are not getting what you need from this relationship, then waiting around for your girlfriend to change is doing you a disservice.
Why not just find someone who is more compatible with you? She gave me several ultimatums of the years but has not left. She has asked me to set her free but I thought I could fix it. She just started an affair to keep herself from going crazy with depression. She wants me to go to an Intimacy workshop. As much as I hope that would work I am skeptical. I have so much deep seated emotional isolationism from growing up.
Sad really but she needs better. Is this a cop out? She found someone that makes her feel sexy and desired. We all want that. We have 2 teenage daughters so thats an extra delima. I may never be truly happy with anyone but that is my penance and not hers. I can totally relate to your comments. I am in similar position, pain of separation versus pain of not. I have just came across this article and I suspect there are so many trapped in relationships where they do not share intimacy.
The question for me is, is the intimacy a cause or a symptom? Disney is for the movies, happy ever after may not exist. Gosh, this is truly heart rending to read. Families are tough places sometimes, and growing up can be nothing short of a victory. Somehow in your message, beneath all of the suffering and the self-deprecation and the humour, is a vulnerability that we feel is real strength as composed to the tough guy persona.
There is a lot of courage involved in sharing all this. We hope you keep going. We wish you well. We are so glad the article was helpful. Hope that helps! Good luck! Like all the other comments here, I agree and think that I have a problem with intimacy. I push people away when they get too close. Dishonesty in everything- words, expressions, actions- is second nature. I feel ashamed of showing vulnerability. All the men I choose to be are the type who will eventually leave. In fact, I start thinking of how it will end before it even starts.
I start hating all the guys I choose. Or I crush on unattainable men who are already in love. Again, as the article says, it stems from my childhood and having no adult I could trust. I never thought I will have fear of intimacy until I read this article.
It actually scares me how all of the criteria match really well with my condition and personality. Thank you for posting it and make me know myself a little bit better now. Rinchen, thank you for your honest sharing. Of course it is not an overnight thing, it requires seriousl committment to personal growth and usually support. Hope it helps!
After graduating college I found everything from my childhood and smashed, burned or tossed away in the trash. It was liberating! I never dated u til I was an adult. Seldom as that was, it was futile and empty. Oddly now, I find myself married for over 20 years to one of the only two females I could ever connect with. It gave me the outward appearance of normalcy. So far it is working. Thanks for sharing Thomas. It seems quite obvious to me my wife suffers from this.
A product of a mother incapable of loving. My question is, can fear of intimacy cause one to be sexually cold. After 30 years of marriage, she has never been able to enjoy sex, no interest or pleasure in receiving or in giving. She actually dislikes being touched intimately. She says it feels almost numb there and thinks women who enjoy sex are merely faking it. Do I have any reason to hope for change when she denies a problem exists?
Hi Charles, change can always happen, but of course a person needs to want to change. The only person you have any power over here is yourself.
And there are a lot of other questions we have other than the one you ask, which perhaps we ask as if you have stayed in this relationship despite a lack of intimacy for 30 year. Why are you focussing on this now and not then?
What has changed for you? Are you happy in the relationship? And in your life right now? Is this the only problem in the relationship? Or is there something else about it, or life, that is bothering you?
What is it you have been thinking and feeling lately? These are the kinds of beginning questions you could talk about with a counsellor or therapist. I feel like my eyes have been opened… My best friend told me that I am like the Tin Man and how tragic it is.. I cannot seem to cry nor let people near enough to hurt me even my husband.
We are going through a lot of problems at the moment and I am realizing that I have a lot of deep-seated unresolved issues that are affecting my relationships. Perhaps it came from losing my Dad to an accident at such a young age. I sometimes think it ruined my faith in the world forever and now I find myself in a codependent — counterdependent relationship.. I have a lot of stuff to work on, but this article is an eye opener and an amazing first step…. We are glad to hear it was of help!
And it must have been tremendously hard for you to lose your father at a young age, there is a very real possibility that affected your ability to trust men fully, definitely something worth exploring.
We wish you courage! This article really resonates with me. I guess I have no choice but to admit that I have a fear of intimacy, a fear of someone else seeing into me and knowing me deeply. And that truly hurts. More than a few of these points are spot on. I am the strong one. Whether I take up that mantle willingly, or have it thrust upon me, things always seem to turn out that way. I feel that showing my pain, my weaknesses, and my vulnerabilities is a no-no, unallowed, and unwanted.
I feel like it definitely has a childhood source. Maybe growing up with a father addicted to drugs for 20 years is the cause. I love him dearly, but the amount of struggle, shame, fear, and embarassment that his actions forced into my mother, my five siblings, and myself has got to count for something. Maybe that has imprinted itself into my unconscious behavior and thinking patterns?
But I do know this: I am grateful for this article. I feel like I can consciously try to grow from this point onwards. We are so happy to hear it helped. Thank you. And you are brave to admit there is a problem, and that the problem is painful.
You very wisely can see how it might stem from childhood patterns and that does make clear sense, what you describe. Of course knowing the problem is one thing. Feeling all the feelings around the problem, finding our way through that, is another.
As is learning how to step out of the pattern and try new ways of being and relating. But it is entirely possible that this can be achieved. You already have tremendous self honesty and compassion, too, for both your father and even yourself. Which is great to see. But if you could gather your courage and seek some support to take those next steps forward, we believe you could see the results you deserve and start to break down those walls and change those deep-rooted core beliefs that trap you into the same box again and again.
It was me 5 out of 7. I have been tring to find if there is something wrong in me that needs to get corrected to live a better life for several years now. I wander if there is any relationship between fear of intimacy and OCPD. Thanks for great article! It gave me a new insight into my behaviour and their reasons. We are glad the article helped. We really hope the book is helpful, and good for you for bravely working to understand yourself.
Never had any girlfriends in my teens or twenties and so on obviously suffered with low self-esteem, Never had that close friendship with anyone only acquaintances I never mixed with other children until I started school so it was difficult for me to make friends easily. Reading this article, some of these points forcefully upbeat, strong opinions that angered me before, unable to recall her past, people having different impressions of her, tending to be self-reliant sounds like one of my relatives.
Even then I assumed she may have repressed it real hard for fear of embarrassment or shame. And that is something that should be taken seriously. But psychological therapies can definitely be very helpful if we have difficulties relating. Thanks for sharing Ada. But in the end, the only person we can help is ourselves. And sometimes by letting go and leaving others to lead their life in the way that works for them, however flawed we might find it, but then helping ourselves and taking care of our own problems, we inspire the other person to do something about their situation.
So the best thing you can do here is find support for yourself, and focus on your own emotions and anxieties. If they are overwhelming, do seek support. The only way to work through fear of intimacy is support. So essentially you can have fear of intimacy and a therapist can metaphorically hold your hand while a partner really does.
This really resonated with me. Seeing yourself as that positive soul who others can rely on is the perfect deflection away from oneself. I know. But it will get better. Thank you for this post. Great article. I have suffered from intimacy anxiety all my life and, unlike many it also effected my ability to perform sexually.
Since my teens I found that my sexual functioning was fine until a relation would begin to form and then after two or three sexual encounters with the same woman it was like someone turned off a switch. I would loose all desire for her and would lose my ability to ejaculate and soon after I would lose my erection and no matter how hard I would try my sexual functioning would not return with that person. When i was single I figured it was simple sexual boredom and I would move on to another woman until it happened again.
Needless to say when I finally married at age 35 I began suffering these dysfunctions with my wife. Being an understanding person she suggested we go into Sex therapy which was a disaster.
No matter what the Therapist had us try it failed and we both became discouraged and my wife tended to blame herself for the fact I had no sexual desire for her. Our marriage has now been sexless since the beginning almost 25 years. Thank you for publishing this important article. There is obviously a link for you. Sometimes with sexual issues newer, brain-based techniques can provide results when talk therapy fails.
Do you think I need to see a professional therapist. Hi John, it does sound like there is more to it than shyness, and it also sounds tremendously lonely. Seeing a therapist would be a wonderful idea. It helps with all kinds of issues. A therapist, for example, can help you practice your social skills and ways of relating. Also, John, if you have social anxiety obviously the entire process of going to the therapist might be terrifying.
They are used to people being nervous. Furthermore, nowadays you can do therapy over skype or even phone. Of course what is not important is whether you book with us, just that you seek some support, so go with wherever feels right for you! We wish you courage. Thank you for your reply. There maybe more! Hi John. We are all unique. And it can be due to so many things. All this to say, if you are worried and confused, best bet is to see a counselling psychologist or psychotherapist and share all these concerns.
They would be able to help you identify what your core issues are and then help decide what your goals are and find ways to create the life that works to make you feel comfortable.
How do I find out if I have some kind of Personality disorder I also suffer with bottled up emotions as well and therapy can be quite costly. This sort of thing I think is sometimes stopping me moving on in life on things I want to do? Hi John, there are many ways to find affordable therapy nowadays. Yes, some of us are sensitive, yes colleagues can be hard to get on with. And yes this can all stop us from moving forward.
Support can help, but you have to be ready to change. If not, then the choice is to accept our life as it is and our suffering. Your life is up to you. You are in charge! Thank you for your help. Like not talking in a conversation depending on the subject or being too quiet at times or most times.
I have no sense and control over my anger. I sent nasty and vulgar emails and phone calls to my sister and sadly I find pleasure in it. I know I am sick in head and have sexual thought and dreams about my mother. When we are not. We are just a human who is really hurt, really scared, and not sure how to handle things. If you have the courage perhaps the best thing here would be finding the courage to find a good counsellor or therapist you feel at least reasonably comfortable with and working on all this.
A good therapist will be totally non judgmental and create a very safe environment for you. What do they actually call it if someone can feel comfortable around some people or somebody and not others or maybe lives in the past so much?
Hi John, there is no special term for that that we know of. Most of use feel comfortable around some people and not others. Living in the past is a separate issue and just a personal issue not at all a disorder. Sorry maybe this is not a frequently asked question but can you advise. In our understanding this is simply not true. We have our own rhythms, our own ways of learning, our own speeds.
Everyone struggles with something! We feel the real question here is about self-esteem. There is always self-judgement in the comments you leave.
What if you are doing the best you can and that is ok? This is exactly me. Especially the part about going for emotionally unavailable men. I love him so much. I feel very uncomfortable when I think about being intimate with him, or anyone. Even though I love him, it really scares me. I truly need help with this. As you have correctly identified, the real issue is why you are going after someone already in a relationship.
We think not telling him how you feel is actually fair on him. So it becomes about, what core beliefs do you have that drive you to spend all your emotional and mental energy on a situation where you cannot win.
That you deserve to suffer? Are you best friends, have you known him for years, have you had many bonding experiences with him? That love is spending all your time obsessing on someone you hardly know. Love is neither of these. At all. Love, among other things, is spending quality time with someone who respects you and who supports you to be your best self, even as you support and respect them.
These patterns run deep and are inevitably connected to childhood experiences. Well I have known him for five years, I know him very well. I work with him everyday. We are very good friends, and I have helped him through breakups before my strong feelings developed and he has helped me through some very rough times.
So yes, I know him very well, and we are very close. I developed feelings for him before he was ever in a relationship, when he was available, but I waited to tell him how I felt. I have massive insecurities. Mostly about my appearance. But what I am most concerned about is how I can let go of him. Someone else has him, and I can never be with him, how can I help my situation when I have to work with him everyday?
That is really hard. It sounds like you are good friends. Most workplaces provide some coverage for counselling, see if yours does.
When we get hung up on how we look we can close down other very attractive energies within ourselves…. This works for everyone. You have resources inside you are probably overlooking, but a therapist can help you see. As for this man, you have to work with your own interests here. Think carefully. Otherwise, if you are really deeply unhappy, see what other choices are available. Is there a way to progress your career by going elsewhere, are you in any way holding yourself back career wise to stay near him?
Yes it is very hard. Unfortunately I cannot get a different job. So I have to detach myself from him I guess. But thank you for the help, some things you have said really opened my eyes. I have to try to reverse the feelings or something, because it is making me very unhappy. I actually feel pain in my chest when I think about it. Is that something that happens? Thinking about him with someone else physically makes me feel like I will be sick. But I am miserable. Hi Eliza, yes, sounds like anxiety of course we always advise to get a physical checkup if you are having physical symptoms.
Definitely consider support. A good place to start if you feel nervous of therapy would be CBT. So be proud that you made choices that were self care instead of just trying to please others. We are sure your friends understood and can see you just need some space now and then.
I have been struggling with intimacy fear since my early teenage. People see me as a really funny and smart guy, and i dont have like a ton of friends but the ones i have are the ones i need. I think the problem lies within my fear of opening up myself to the individual i have a connection with and sharing my innermost feelings with them, which i always do after its over.
The girls i have bonded with also seem to give me some sort of hints which i reject immediately by joking around and changing the subject. Which is why i forced myself to stay in contact with the latest of my flirts in the hopes that it might be educational for me. This brings me to my question, why do i not have any problem with having a friendly relationship with either boys or girls, but find it difficult to develop an emotional and sexual relationship?
Hi Andy, sounds tough. And if any of us were that simple, life would be so much easier! We are complicated, us humans. Our best bet is that a combination of the way you were parented and certain experiences in the past have formed how you feel about intimacy. You mention the circumcision, which seems to have been a traumatic experience for you. So perhaps this was the final thing for you that pushed you to a point you feel you must protect yourself at all costs from someone getting too close.
We would, in your case, given that you are obviously really struggling, and that we imagine there are some complex issues that need airing, processing, and healing, highly recommend you seek support. Do you have any budget?
Are there therapists in your area? IF you are a student, many colleges and universities offer free or low cost counselling, definitely worth looking into. On my third marriage- never truly opened up to anyone. A few times I may have worked in a light dialogue centered on something of importance to me and it was either ignored, used against me, or completely taken out of context. When we were intimate — lights had to be off and I always hide my body anytime I need to change or get dressed.
I feel relationships are just emotional and I would rather being doing something productive mentally or physically. The few family get together I am busy cleaning, cooking, or helping out in some other way. Sitting and talking is sooo uncomfortable to me.
I can honestly say no one really knows all that much about me- they assume they know. What really comes across to us as well as this anger is a deep loneliness and unhappiness. This way of living is not working for you much as you are trying to tell yourself it is.
So what are you going to do about it? Now that you realise the issue lies with you? Yes, any sort of change will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, even terrifying. But change is possible. Much as you so carefully built this defence system, you can carefully dismantle it.
We would highly recommend you seek some professional support with this. Best, HT. I have always had a touch of self loathing and rarely had motivation to change in my youth. I had a period where I got fit and was enrolled with the marines and my confidence was at a high, but I lost hearing in an ear due to brain trauma and that ended all that. That is possibly neither here nor there as that was more then 10 years ago now, and I find myself the most depressed and lonely I have ever been.
Hey PH. Gosh that is hardly a touch but a massive truck full of serious self-loathing going on. It almost feels like an addictive self need to put yourself down. You might even have PTSD from the sounds of it. We are rather sure there are tons of things likeable about you but you just need to gain the clarity to see them again, and to see what matters to the person you are now, and how to find people who actually share values with you and easily appreciate you instead of chasing the attention of people who might not really be as much what you think you like as you are telling yourself often, after big life changes, we need to expand our perspective and social circles to find people who match who we are now.
Would we suggest therapy or support? Absolutely, and not as we are a therapy company. Read our article on things that help trauma here.
In summary, take the courage that had you post here and do whatever you can to turn that into courage to get some real, in person help. I am not sure that I fit the mold exactly, but a lot of the article resonated with me. Let me explain my situation. But as soon as I a sense that someone is unstable or troubled and needing my help I feel trapped and suffocated.
I also feel the same way when someone keeps pushing a relationship with me when I am not reciprocating. When I was growing up, my mother was often unstable and troubled and tried to commit suicide more than once over a period of years.
I, being the oldest, and yet a teen, fell into a savior role. The experience was literally soul draining and terrifying in so many ways. Often times, I feel like I just want people to leave me alone.
Hi there, we think you know where this is all coming from as you mention your difficult childhood with an unstable mother. Working with a therapist on this could really help you recognise and then change these patterns.
But to be honest…my parents were never there for me when I was little. I lived my whole childhood with nannies and books. But things slowly changed after my younger sister died. I guess my mum finally noticed me and slowly started building a relationship with me. But my dad,I feel like he rejects me every day. Also I was mocked and bullied a lot for my speech disorder when I was younger. It got better but to be honest the trauma of having kids laugh at me never left.
Then came high school where I was too underdeveloped if you catch my drift. I was constantly called unlovable,ugly too small for any boy to want. It got to my head I admit.
Just acquitances. But I never let anyone know the real me. I never told anyone anything at all. It always seems like the easiest way out. But after some time I got afraid we were getting too close and I ghosted her for weeks. I agree I have intimacy issues and I want to fix it. I just want to be the best friend she has ever had. Hi there. As humans we are all flawed. And human relationships are difficult. So every family has issues. That is not what matters.
What matters is that you feel safe, like you can trust your family, and that you feel loved. And now that is spilling over into any new relationship you attempt to have. All universities in Western countries now provide free to no cost counselling. Most of us don't want to think negatively about a parent or parental figure but try to honestly evaluate your childhood relationships in an effort to zero in on possible contributions to your fear of intimacy. Think about the messages you received in your family and compare these with the messages you should have received.
If you had a neglectful, abusive, or engulfing parent, recognizing that your relationship with your parent is not the only model for intimate relationships may help you realize what might be possible in terms of intimacy. The inner dialogue that leads to the manifestations of a fear of intimacy is often deep-seated, and after living a lifetime as your own inner critic, it may seem normal to you.
Rather than accepting that critic, try to catch yourself casting negative self-judgments. Look to see where they are coming from and challenge and correct them when you can. What do you really want in life? Do you want a long-term intimate relationship? If so, how have you pushed people away in the past? Take time to review what your wishes and goals were and are and how your actions either help or hinder them. Overcoming a fear of intimacy doesn't happen overnight.
Even when you feel like you have gained ground, you will inevitably have setbacks. Grant yourself forgiveness when this happens and speak kindly to your inner self. Try not to view your fear as a character flaw. Instead, try to look at it as simply something that likely stems from your distant past that you can work through in order to have a better future.
Research has also shown that positive relationship experiences can be beneficial for those who have issues with intimacy. If it is your loved one who is coping with a fear of intimacy, you will need to practice patience. Setbacks are perfectly normal and to be expected. Establishing safety and trust is of utmost importance so that your loved one can begin to open up. Try to not react personally or with anger if your loved one tries to push you away. Recognize that they are not rejecting you, but rather that they fear you will reject them.
Keep your partner's fear of abandonment, rejection, or engulfment in mind as you think about their words and behaviors. Their upbringing may cause them to interpret an action in a completely different way than you would. For example, if your partner is coping with a fear of engulfment due to growing up in an enmeshed family, surprising them by saying "we are going on a trip" may not be a loving and pleasant surprise at all, and may reinforce their fear of being controlled.
Instead, providing clear choices and making sure your partner is involved in all decisions might be interpreted as more loving. Regular reminders of your love, through both words and actions, are important. Don't assume your partner "feels" loved. Rather, create an environment that supports the fact that they are deserving of it. Most importantly, let your partner know that getting past the fear is a team effort. While you are likely curious, it's not important for you to understand how this all started.
Instead, what your loved one needs is support and a willingness to listen when they are ready to share. Finally, keep in mind that fear of intimacy usually rears its head in relationships that a person cherishes—not those that are superficial. It's also usually triggered by positive emotions instead of negative ones. Actions rooted in a fear of intimacy only perpetuate the concern. With effort, and especially with a good therapist, however, many people have overcome the fear and developed the understanding and tools needed to create long-term intimate relationships.
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